The monster with the heart of a butterfly.

Just a day back I had these words echo in my mind at night, just like that, out of the Blue and it said "You you monster with the heart of a butterfly... I fucking love you !!!! " And I just wrote these words in KEEP in my mobile phone because I liked it. Today evening, a friend of mine sends me this picture of a butterfly that he clicked from his office and he says "I am this now". I am like WTF. What a coincidence. But I didn't tell him my little story. Instead I told him how beautiful this picture was. :) I like this picture a lot.

So long....

So long with all those unwritten posts.. The words that hung in my bedroom, those that got drenched in the rain outside, the ones I lost to my dreams, the ones I messed up in my head.. that which trembled beneath my pain and sufferings, those that I had long forgotten.. the ones I wrote in a notebook, them which I never recalled, never owned and never wrote down.. But today with great effort I'm here to write in my once favorite place... When I check my dashboard I see more 'untitled posts' in the recent years than 'titled' ones. This can be completely blamed on my laziness. The fact that I like to write in the air above me and below the ceiling fan with my magic wand at night seems more comfortable than switching on a laptop, signing in and writing. SERIOUSLY. Only LAZINESS. And also the fact that I am sometimes not a very determined or persuasive lady. Dreamy, not ambitious. May be these are the reasons to have not touched my blog since a very long time. 27 November 2012 to 19 October 2015 is a long gap. I enjoy writing but I lack the effort. Anyways, I hope I will start writing again like in my college days. Love and peace to all those out there!

yaşamın kıyısında (The Edge of Heaven)

No, this is not a movie review of one of my favourite director's not so favourite movie of mine. This is a review of my love. Well, can love be actually reviewed? Actually no. Nothing in my list deserves to be reviewed these days. But writing for me is like catharsis, so I write. Two and a half years later, after a strenuous recovery from my life's first and foremost love failure, when I was frantically searching for my favourite director Fatih Akin in orkut people search, little did I know that I was beginning a new journey into a freshly brewed death. Serendipity I thought, while stumbling upon a fellow human being who liked Fatih Akin too. While going through the numerous number of books he read and the staggeringly numerous number of movies he watched, I was instantly moved. The feeling of adoration mixed with a tinge of.. infatuation. I didn't have to think twice to send such a knowledgeable person a friend's request. And add me he did. But we never spoke. Months of silence prevailed. One day, I put a status from one of my favourite movies, Into the Wild. It read like this “Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.” And suddenly I get a message from this person. "Some people feel they don't deserve love because they actually don't deserve love!!" I didn't know what to say, But I guess we spoke about somethings that night. Days passed, we spoke now and then and one night he suddenly asked for my number. I was surprised, that it had happened so soon and did not give him my number but took down his and told him that I would text him but I didn't. And he asked me why I didn't. So I send him a msg. That's it. The movie begins. Everything that happens next is as common as it could ever be. Beautiful and interesting conversations over the phone, beautiful words as text messages, beautiful movie recommendations, beautiful songs being sent to each other, Birthday gifts happily chosen and parcels sent. Thanks to professional couriers. (By the way I learnt the intriguing ways of sending parcels from him). You know, now it all hurts.. It hurts because although everything was the commonest and the simplest things, although we just met twice and never even held hands, the feeling of a silent love inside me was growing like a cancer. More dangerous than a cancer I feel. The love cancer had spread all over my soul, killing me by making me more vulnerable than ever. One fine morning all the talking stops, all the indifferences starts and he no longer even proved to be a good friend like he promised he would be. He never cared. He left me with no remorse at all I guess. The statement he made, was that fraudulent? That 'Marriage was the biggest debbacle he saw in his future'. What happened to that? Was I in love with the biggest hypocrite one can see alive these days, or was I assuming too much? Was I living in the faintest possibility of hope, passionately clinging onto it thinking that 'If we really needed something in life, we had to reach out and grab it'?! (Courtesy : Into the Wild). Was I being too much? Dwelling in the inescapable ideas of love? Or was it just too real and quite changeable? I have heard that it is difficult for a woman if phsically attached with a man, to come out of a doomed relationship and here I was, inside the melting pot of platonic love, where I knew him, only by the words he spoke, by his random sighs, his smile, or the tone of fear and anger. I knew him only through his voice and it's gleaming intonations. But trust me, I knew them byheart. And when the love grew in me and I became relentless, he seems to have got married to a girl he knew for a long time and settles down. I go for a ride, the ride of my life it seems. Emotionally entangled and lost, I squander. What was that ? A lost love? An unrequited love? Or a love that never even existed. I was never a person to make things complicated. I always liked to keep it simple. Keep it conventional. But people around me, surprisingly wove, mysterious and complex stories, made things difficult, undigestable and I literally got confused in this whirlwind. I still am. More than that, I have become faithless and hopeless. I pass my time reading 'Essays on Love' by Alain De Botton and enjoy every single line written in it. I find solace in the book and the facts the author tries to put across. I believe in all that pretty blindly. I realise, how love could make a person miserable, how it could influence you to not believe in it anymore. How it could become such a silent killer. It would take time to heal I know.. and I also know that time heals all wounds, however deep it is. So, right now, I have died, for I will believe that I have died a willful death just to be born again. I am at the edge of heaven now.

BEFORE & AFTER

I was in the hostel back then. Was studying at DCSMAT (DC School Of Management & Technology). This was my first stint in hostel. I've never had a hostel life, although living away from home wasn't something new. DC is located atop a hill, in the midst of a forest (more or less a forest) at a location that anyone would die for, which is Vagamon, a small hill station in Idukki district. DC was amazing, I mean, for us DC meant - college, hostel life, friends, friendship, love affairs, heart breaks, chicken biriyani, pudding, clubs, assignments, moodle and most importantly CLIMATE !! People would die to come there, the fog and the heavy rains would keep us engaged (romantically or otherwise) all the time! Our guest lecturers or placement trainers would comment - "This is such a beautiful place, how do you guys even study ?!! " WHO DOES??? We were Alices and Alicans(male version of Alice) in wonderland at DC! :) Anyways, having said that It's at DC that I saw many beautiful movies. After a long day, most of us would curl into our warm blankets and watch movies. Since the bed was small I would get uncomfortable lying in the same position for long periods of time watching movies, my spine would get bored of twisting and turning and I'd try a lot of postures until I get to watch the movie comfortably. I had the 1 TB (1 Terabyte hard drive) of Sanjay with me and I felt like a 'Queen who owned a Theatre'. There were so many movies.. so many of them and I felt helpless and confused. Which ones to watch first !! The TB was to remain with me for some days. One day a friend of mine and I were discussing about movies and he suggested 'Before Sunrise' and 'Before Sunset'. He told me those were excellent movies. And suddenly I remembered.. man.. I think I saw the two movies in the hard disk, I kind of remembered the names. I thought of watching them. It was already 1 am, and I found the movies in Sanjay's 1 TB. I started watching 'Before Sunset' first. I didn't know it was the sequel. But I loved it from the very beginning. That's the day when I fell in love with 'PARIS'. I didn't have any particular affinity towards this place. But after this movie. Things changed.I changed. LOL. I had never watched a movie with such an excellent script. The movie is quite simple but so very meaningful. I could relate to Jesse and Celine pretty well! I loved them :) and I totally loved the movie. It remains one of my favorites until this very day. After watching the sequel, at around 2.30 or so I started watching the prequel 'Before Sunsrise'. It was nice, romantic and surreal. But I loved 'Before Sunset' more. It seemed real and perhaps more easy to relate.

The next day onwards I was in love with French language and Paris! Qui Qui !!!! :) Chindu would kill me!