The monster with the heart of a butterfly.

Just a day back I had these words echo in my mind at night, just like that, out of the Blue and it said "You you monster with the heart of a butterfly... I fucking love you !!!! " And I just wrote these words in KEEP in my mobile phone because I liked it. Today evening, a friend of mine sends me this picture of a butterfly that he clicked from his office and he says "I am this now". I am like WTF. What a coincidence. But I didn't tell him my little story. Instead I told him how beautiful this picture was. :) I like this picture a lot.

So long....

So long with all those unwritten posts.. The words that hung in my bedroom, those that got drenched in the rain outside, the ones I lost to my dreams, the ones I messed up in my head.. that which trembled beneath my pain and sufferings, those that I had long forgotten.. the ones I wrote in a notebook, them which I never recalled, never owned and never wrote down.. But today with great effort I'm here to write in my once favorite place... When I check my dashboard I see more 'untitled posts' in the recent years than 'titled' ones. This can be completely blamed on my laziness. The fact that I like to write in the air above me and below the ceiling fan with my magic wand at night seems more comfortable than switching on a laptop, signing in and writing. SERIOUSLY. Only LAZINESS. And also the fact that I am sometimes not a very determined or persuasive lady. Dreamy, not ambitious. May be these are the reasons to have not touched my blog since a very long time. 27 November 2012 to 19 October 2015 is a long gap. I enjoy writing but I lack the effort. Anyways, I hope I will start writing again like in my college days. Love and peace to all those out there!

yaşamın kıyısında (The Edge of Heaven)

No, this is not a movie review of one of my favourite director's not so favourite movie of mine. This is a review of my love. Well, can love be actually reviewed? Actually no. Nothing in my list deserves to be reviewed these days. But writing for me is like catharsis, so I write. Two and a half years later, after a strenuous recovery from my life's first and foremost love failure, when I was frantically searching for my favourite director Fatih Akin in orkut people search, little did I know that I was beginning a new journey into a freshly brewed death. Serendipity I thought, while stumbling upon a fellow human being who liked Fatih Akin too. While going through the numerous number of books he read and the staggeringly numerous number of movies he watched, I was instantly moved. The feeling of adoration mixed with a tinge of.. infatuation. I didn't have to think twice to send such a knowledgeable person a friend's request. And add me he did. But we never spoke. Months of silence prevailed. One day, I put a status from one of my favourite movies, Into the Wild. It read like this “Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.” And suddenly I get a message from this person. "Some people feel they don't deserve love because they actually don't deserve love!!" I didn't know what to say, But I guess we spoke about somethings that night. Days passed, we spoke now and then and one night he suddenly asked for my number. I was surprised, that it had happened so soon and did not give him my number but took down his and told him that I would text him but I didn't. And he asked me why I didn't. So I send him a msg. That's it. The movie begins. Everything that happens next is as common as it could ever be. Beautiful and interesting conversations over the phone, beautiful words as text messages, beautiful movie recommendations, beautiful songs being sent to each other, Birthday gifts happily chosen and parcels sent. Thanks to professional couriers. (By the way I learnt the intriguing ways of sending parcels from him). You know, now it all hurts.. It hurts because although everything was the commonest and the simplest things, although we just met twice and never even held hands, the feeling of a silent love inside me was growing like a cancer. More dangerous than a cancer I feel. The love cancer had spread all over my soul, killing me by making me more vulnerable than ever. One fine morning all the talking stops, all the indifferences starts and he no longer even proved to be a good friend like he promised he would be. He never cared. He left me with no remorse at all I guess. The statement he made, was that fraudulent? That 'Marriage was the biggest debbacle he saw in his future'. What happened to that? Was I in love with the biggest hypocrite one can see alive these days, or was I assuming too much? Was I living in the faintest possibility of hope, passionately clinging onto it thinking that 'If we really needed something in life, we had to reach out and grab it'?! (Courtesy : Into the Wild). Was I being too much? Dwelling in the inescapable ideas of love? Or was it just too real and quite changeable? I have heard that it is difficult for a woman if phsically attached with a man, to come out of a doomed relationship and here I was, inside the melting pot of platonic love, where I knew him, only by the words he spoke, by his random sighs, his smile, or the tone of fear and anger. I knew him only through his voice and it's gleaming intonations. But trust me, I knew them byheart. And when the love grew in me and I became relentless, he seems to have got married to a girl he knew for a long time and settles down. I go for a ride, the ride of my life it seems. Emotionally entangled and lost, I squander. What was that ? A lost love? An unrequited love? Or a love that never even existed. I was never a person to make things complicated. I always liked to keep it simple. Keep it conventional. But people around me, surprisingly wove, mysterious and complex stories, made things difficult, undigestable and I literally got confused in this whirlwind. I still am. More than that, I have become faithless and hopeless. I pass my time reading 'Essays on Love' by Alain De Botton and enjoy every single line written in it. I find solace in the book and the facts the author tries to put across. I believe in all that pretty blindly. I realise, how love could make a person miserable, how it could influence you to not believe in it anymore. How it could become such a silent killer. It would take time to heal I know.. and I also know that time heals all wounds, however deep it is. So, right now, I have died, for I will believe that I have died a willful death just to be born again. I am at the edge of heaven now.

BEFORE & AFTER

I was in the hostel back then. Was studying at DCSMAT (DC School Of Management & Technology). This was my first stint in hostel. I've never had a hostel life, although living away from home wasn't something new. DC is located atop a hill, in the midst of a forest (more or less a forest) at a location that anyone would die for, which is Vagamon, a small hill station in Idukki district. DC was amazing, I mean, for us DC meant - college, hostel life, friends, friendship, love affairs, heart breaks, chicken biriyani, pudding, clubs, assignments, moodle and most importantly CLIMATE !! People would die to come there, the fog and the heavy rains would keep us engaged (romantically or otherwise) all the time! Our guest lecturers or placement trainers would comment - "This is such a beautiful place, how do you guys even study ?!! " WHO DOES??? We were Alices and Alicans(male version of Alice) in wonderland at DC! :) Anyways, having said that It's at DC that I saw many beautiful movies. After a long day, most of us would curl into our warm blankets and watch movies. Since the bed was small I would get uncomfortable lying in the same position for long periods of time watching movies, my spine would get bored of twisting and turning and I'd try a lot of postures until I get to watch the movie comfortably. I had the 1 TB (1 Terabyte hard drive) of Sanjay with me and I felt like a 'Queen who owned a Theatre'. There were so many movies.. so many of them and I felt helpless and confused. Which ones to watch first !! The TB was to remain with me for some days. One day a friend of mine and I were discussing about movies and he suggested 'Before Sunrise' and 'Before Sunset'. He told me those were excellent movies. And suddenly I remembered.. man.. I think I saw the two movies in the hard disk, I kind of remembered the names. I thought of watching them. It was already 1 am, and I found the movies in Sanjay's 1 TB. I started watching 'Before Sunset' first. I didn't know it was the sequel. But I loved it from the very beginning. That's the day when I fell in love with 'PARIS'. I didn't have any particular affinity towards this place. But after this movie. Things changed.I changed. LOL. I had never watched a movie with such an excellent script. The movie is quite simple but so very meaningful. I could relate to Jesse and Celine pretty well! I loved them :) and I totally loved the movie. It remains one of my favorites until this very day. After watching the sequel, at around 2.30 or so I started watching the prequel 'Before Sunsrise'. It was nice, romantic and surreal. But I loved 'Before Sunset' more. It seemed real and perhaps more easy to relate.

The next day onwards I was in love with French language and Paris! Qui Qui !!!! :) Chindu would kill me!

"The Girl With the Dragon Stories"

I am a good story teller I guess.

I will be able to read bed time stories to my 'gonna be kids' with much passion and they'll be able to enjoy it as if they were travelling through the maze in Alice in wonderland. Now, why do I say that ? Well.. here's what triggered me to write this. One of my best friend's calls me up today afternoon while I am at office. We talk. Usually I am restless if I get phone calls from friends while I am at office. I can't talk to them openly as I would want to, that being the main reason. So, mostly I avoid the calls, or text them or pick up the call and tell them that I'd call them later. But today I chose to speak, because it was long time since I spoke to him. He's settled and I am not, so our times don't match. lol :) !

We spoke, he questioned me why I wasn't there in FB anymore. I hate it when friends call me up and asks me in gasps of despair. "Indu !!!! Why am I not able to find you in FB??!! " I say " Well, nothing.. I just deactivated it for the time being. " Friends - "Why so ?!!!! " Me - "ehhh nothing, I got bored." Friends - "Oh come on Indu!! Stop being nuts will ya !!! " come back to FB right now !! "
Me - "Yeah.. will think about it ! :/ :/ " Friends - "Just stop thinking and come back that's what !! " Me - "Yeah sure, I will, soon. " I go completely nuts after this kind of a conversation. Not being in FB is like a big crime these days. People literally live in FB, sadly that's the reason. Oh! we diverted.. lets come back to what I wanted to say.

So, we spoke. And I talked a bit formally with lesser amounts of energy to which he asked me "You seem so low..what happened? " I said " I'm at office, I can't talk with a lot of excitement like I always do. :) " I know the way I speak over the phone. I'm a roaring lion, a walking drama, voice loud and full of gestures.. :) lol ! So when friends call me while I'm at office, I act a little wierd. I am not my normal self. I go calm.. and silent.. which I never am. Anyways, we then talk for a long time.. A lot of stuff.. And then I have nothing to say, I stutter. He's surprised. He says, "Arre, what happened to you yaar?! Normally you have hell lot of stories to say, but this time you're quiet. Why so ?? " And I say smiling " I have my stories. Infact, there's a stock. I just need to get out of the office if I need to tell them to you ! " He says "Oh... I see.. :)" . And I remember, he liked to listen to me always. He spoke less. I talked and talked. When I say, why aren't you talking, He'd say, I like listening to your stories. Aah.. good old times of friendship, I think.

And then suddenly I remember this overnight stay at another best friend's house. We talked till 2 am, I was going to participate in this gala event- 'Pongala' the next day morning to see what it was all about. And before going to sleep by around 2.30 am she said , "So many things.. so many stories you have, I don't feel surprised at any other persons memoirs these days because I have heard much more from you!! "


And then I remember, some one very special listening to my stories attentively and smiling. And when I'd say things which hurt me years back but which made me laugh now, he'd hold my shoulders and say "Awww.. you're my sweet." and gives a knock on my chin fearing I was dying inside when I told those stories. And days later when we sit and talk, he smiles without any reasons and I ask him "Why are you smilng?" And he says.. "Was just thinking about all the stories you told me.. :)"


Period.


Guess I'm a good story teller.

Love is a losing game

I wake up at 5.30 am, not startled but out of frustration. Cold kills me sometimes. I couldn't breathe because my nose was blocked. I wanted to die actually. Its an agonizing situation, where you are deeply in your sleep but can't continue because you can't breathe. I feared if my sinusitis returned. I have nothing to do after waking up and I couldn't go back to sleep either. I chose to switch on my laptop and go online (may be). I signed into all that I could remember of and simply sat there, staring at the screen. Suddenly I thought of killing time by watching interviews or songs in you tube. Old songs / new songs/ Oprah/ Ellen/ MTV awards/ what not?! And I was also on a process of doing an in depth research on the people whose interviews I watched. Time went by really fast. I was happy. And then I remembered Amy winehouse who passed away recently. I had not heard any of her songs other than 'Rehab' neither did I know much about her. I first came to know about her when I happened to watch some crappy Hollywood movie where everyone (famous) were being made fun of! I did not understand who this lady was, she looked completely messed up and ugly with broken tooth et al. I was wondering who it was and Chindu said that it was this famous singer, Amy winehouse and she specifically mentioned that she was a drug addict. I felt sorry for her. That was it. I never thought about her again.

So today morning, now, I think about her. Want to know what Amy is all about . Let me hear her sing..I thought. I watched a couple of her interviews. Loved her accent. I got scared of the erratic behaviour that she showed in one of the interviews. I read the comments. 95% of the people loved her. They called her a real musician, a true jazz singer.. well, I felt glad and relieved after reading those comments because she wasn't anymore and she had an invariably bad history. So, I thought people might post rude comments calling her names and stuff. But that was limited. A very few said something bad about her. Which meant (probably) that she was deeply loved as an artist by the people around her.

I watched many more interviews of Amy winehouse. Sane, genuine, straight, fearless she was. I liked her. I thought she was nice but a little messed up like everyone of us.

I chanced upon a song of hers. The title caught my attention. 'Love is a losing game'
I thought i'll watch it and hear her sing... My heart weighed a thousand suns... it ached... longed for something that it knew would never be owned... I cried.... The song has her pain written all over it... Some fan commented "Am I the only one who believes that she died of a broken heart ??" She probably might have.. might have died of a broken heart rather than a drug overdose. I heard the song over and over again and got depressed in the early morning. I shouldn't have read about her, shouldn't have seen her interviews, shouldn't have heard her sing...I thought. The whole day I kept on thinking about this talented lady who died at the young age of 27. She needed love, She would have lived a happy life singing songs if she got what she had actually wanted. The deep ache in my heart grew.


"Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand"


I respect love more.

Stealing Beauty

I wait.. I wait so patiently, i'm quiet as a cup.. I hope you'll come and rattle me...
Quick! Come.. wake me up.





PS : Title and words shamelessly borrowed from the movie 'Stealing Beauty'. The photograph - an original, tad bit of me.

My book of secrets

Our perfumed lives..

Imagine... we all have this beautiful perfumed lives... we connect with and relate to various fragrances around us.. and then we go back to the same situation, the same place, gets surrounded by the same people.. we relive those very moments...

I have this old revlon lipstick which smells of the time when i was in love...
Elle 18 naughty spray... smells of my teenage days..
Cuticura powder reminds me of Kodungallur and achaachan (grand pa)
New books, reminds me of the Academic book house and my school days..
The smell of soil when it rains.. takes me again, but back to many places at the same time.. Trivandrum, Trissur, Pune ...

Beautiful perfumed lives of ours..

Sex and thathaastu !!

I've always thought of writing something about her you know, my best friend. In fact i could write lots if i start writing, and i could end up winning an award for so closely observing a person and writing about her, or even direct a movie about her, since she has quite an eventful life! Every time we went outside , roamed around the city, spoke about books, cinema, love, betrayal, men or even the 'tartlet' who unscrupulously destroyed her otherwise 'not so calm' life, i had always thought.. man.. i need to write.! And she would yell.. " Indu you need to write!! " And then there are like tons of Topics to write about her.. and i never got to start !

But today, this moment i miss her.. She has gone to this particular place to do some work and will be back only by 'another day' which i am so not sure of.. I am waiting for her to come back just so that we would meet and just be us - talking our hearts out and laughing at how stupid it all seems!

Well, this particular post is a 'little story' about how funny even a serious scenario of making love could be!! I found it utterly funny and just thought of writing about it.

My dear, I know its a bad start. But i'll do some serious writing later on, trust me on this !!

Okei, so there in that small rusty old house (she's gonna kill me) which is quite intriguing and charming at the same time with its old-world looks, they make love..

Her soulmate (i hate the term boyfriend) is really good in bed, she had told me. So there he was busy doing things that he was supposed to do. He is a very passionate guy and regardless of his weak looking thin body, he would do anything to make his woman happy and satisfied. While he was busy, moving, like a rickety old bus on an Indian road ( well, forgive me for this part.. its just the writers imagination lol!) My best friend, just started talking about how good it would have been if an imaginary guy who had this six pack abs, broad shoulders, extremely tall and well built body, who totally looked like a hunk made love to her.. She was intensely describing the very minute features that she would die for and all (And originally, it would be a lot upsetting to the man who is making love to her listen to all this, but her man was very good in that regard i suppose, he didn't seem to have cared, he was cool and he probably very busy doing the 'act' and may be he never actually heard her talking all that time) He didn't respond for quite some time. He was busy.. She continued to describe. Suddenly from that tedious effort which he was involved in, he raised his head like a turtle would, and said 'THATHAASTU!!!' which literally meant that he wished her that she gets all that she wants! My best friend was shocked/surprised, and broke out in laughter knowing the very fact that he had all this while listened to what she was going on talking about.. She thought he never noticed..! So there she was, talking about someone with a ridiculously perfect six pack abs making love to her when her man was actually busy doing it. I would say that the person who takes the crown here is her soulmate who is rather very broadminded and cool and humorous, So much so that he granted her the wish saying 'Thathaastu' in the end! :)

My best friend told me this little story and we laughed a lot while we were having Masala Dosa at Arul Jyothi a few days back. :) End of story.

Moral : Sometimes little things make us happy in this enormously 'depression' driven economy, state and people! That, some funny little things in the middle of some serious and passionate efforts can bring in some peculiar kind of relief and a funny kind of perplexed joy!! LOL

Love you sweetheart, this is for you !:)

A small walk

So there i was.. back in Trivandrum city. Wasn't i waiting for this moment.. yes i was, but when i reached here, the fact that college life is over kind of weakened me.. Anyways i kept quiet, trying hard to enjoy. Yesterday i had to go to pay the electricity bill and the place i had to go was nearby, just a walkable distance. But in this scorching heat.. its impossible to even raise your eyebrows and look out of your house.. My eyes pained and i felt like i was having those protruding eyes that of a chameleon.. rolling inside out! I asked kuttu for an umbrella. Doomed. Both the umbrellas that we had at home were not in a condition to be used. I went out and to the opposite house. Asked them for an umbrella, while they were searching for one, i went inside and looked all over.. trying to find happiness in the memories that were intact in my mind rather than the house which held them. Yes, its after years that i had stepped into that house. I was attached to the house or the people who previously lived there, to be precise. I got the umbrella, and so started my little walk. I walked and walked and walked. Umbrella in one hand, the pink colour purse and the blue colour mobile phone in the other hand. Started to think and then because i was alone and had nobody to talk to, i started talking to myself. It's so enjoyable. You are the one who talks, the one who listens, the one who argues, the one who criticizes - everything is by you. And so very limited by you alone! Anyways i was thinking how i stopped writing for so long... and i wondered how much more lazy i have become. But i also thought that i write all the time.. its not that i don't write at all. Its just that i write in my mind.. sometimes words flow out and i pen it down in my mind.. i dont take the pains to go online and write. So, many times i wrote like that. And this small walk played a catalyst to write later! While walking, I felt a bit odd. People looked at me. Either because 1) i was too good looking 2) Too ugly 3) Dressed differently 4) seemed like a Maali 5) Out of the world??
I don't know but they looked..! I was tired and gave them all this tired "i-am-a-poor-girl-just leave-me-alone" looks! I continued walking, and i thought i loved Trivandrum so much.. Like Trivandrum was my love, my soulmate or something.. but then when i was walking through those familiar streets, i didn't find it familiar anymore..i felt like Trivandrum is alien to me. Or may be now,i have become an alien as far as Trivandrum is concerned. I was sad. I normally enjoy walking alone anywhere in this city but this time i was overwhelmed with sadness because i was not able to find that joy i used to feel before. I wondered why.. But then the small walk ended abruptly as i reached my destination and paid the bill. Walked back home. While i was walking through the lane.. i saw Rafael, this elderly person who does petty works in our residence association walk towards me.. My eyes met his and he asked me why i looked so upset and serious!
I was in total shock.. i mean, was it so visible? Does my temperament reflect so well and make profound impacts on my face? I was embarrassed. I smiled to him and said nothing and nodded my head to show him i'm completely alright. He smiled and walked past me. I was wondering how people could read your face so well.. I started walking again. It is so hot in trivandrum i thought. I went to the house opposite mine to give back the umbrella, but they seemed to have closed all the doors. I assumed that they must have slept so got back to my home. This small walk, i thought!

A long lost post !

WRITING IS A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE FORM OF SCHIZOPHRENIA – E L DOCTOROW

A pretty positive statement that would motivate any amateurs !!
Anyways.. talking about something i really wanted to talk about for a long time.. I really hate most of the supplements that a certain newspaper offers because I don’t think that it gives any information that a common Indian citizen would know or want to know about. Yes, there could be people who might relentlessly follow whatever comes in as a breather of fresh air to their knowledge ( about ?? Lesbians, transvestites, or homosexuals around the world..! What on earth …!!! ) I am not against any of those people but with due respect I’d like to state that instead of helping create a goddamn awareness about their rights and their lifestyle, this particular newspaper publishes oodles of irrelevant pictures with some crap written about it. I still wonder… what on earth !!

Its 4 o clock and dark like hell when I am writing this, I am also very much aware of the fact that I haven’t had my lunch, that I am hungry , that I have a pretty bad head ache probably because I didn’t eat.. but still I just don’t feel like eating… I mean that’s such a laborious task ! seriously, my aim of crossing a 45 KG is a distant dream..if I go like this…

Its about to rain, I could see the coconut trees dancing on the state of its imbalance… the palm leaves wavering…. The sound of thunder ! Magestic !! Raindrops on the dried up leaves … romance on the hair on your skin,Its amazing, they just completely go vertical! And when you listen to the music of sleep away and maid with the flaxen hair…. Especially sleep away I must say… it becomes all the more beautiful!

A really close friend of mine calls me up and we talk for about an hour.. He asks me about my internship.. like, whats the latest update. He has been seeing the pretty screwed up situation that I've been facing since last two weeks.. He calls me up most of the days from his office and enquires. And I have lots of complaints. Today he calls me up and I told him that I am seriously sick of people asking me the same question over and over again! The call got cut in between because there was a range problem ( why.. why god why ??!! Aren’t there enough towers !! ) He calls me up again and then when he talked, he had changed the subject already.. he was asking me, which movie is on asianet and surya? I said I don’t know and laughed.. he said why don’t you give some importance to those things (like mohanlal and mammotty movies on channels) instead of dwelling in the insecurities of not getting an internship confirmed…? I understood that he was trying to kind of console me and all… but I was in no mood to get consoled! Although I listened… He talked about living a hippie life and all… God… a hippie life … and who’s saying that ? A guy who doesn’t drink, smoke, doesn’t have a girl friend, has a well paid job at a reputed software firm.. ! Very interesting ! Irony of life!

Thats all for now !


PS: This was written a long time back when I was sitting at home confused ! And I hate not having WI FI at home.. I like DC better.. I could write anytime anywhere !

I believe there's no title !

I read somewhere .. how important it is in life.. not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong ...

Courtesy : Into  the Wild 

Rain

I remember myself changing my orkut caption to 'Love, mist and rain ' when i first joined DC and came to Vagamon in june... Rain was an everyday affair then... the day started with rain and ended with rain.. at night i could sleep peacefully with the sound of raindrops in the background... and one night when i was very happy listening to the rain , i remember sending a message to kuttan - " Like beautiful imaginary pearls falling on a tin roof.. sound of rain ! :-) "
Well... i love everything about the rain... starting from the growling atmosphere... darkening clouds.. grey... brimming with love... the first rain drops instigating that beautiful fragrance of earth... the lightning accompanied by thunder bolts... the whole thing excites me like none other !
I think that rain is the most beautiful gift that nature has ever given us ! Rain is one thing that inspires.. its the one thing that brings immense joy... Rain is that little pleasure trip that would take us of our tensions and sorrows... and let us be one with nature ! And when one is so close to nature , one feels happy ! May be thats why Lord Byron came up with this poem...

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where none intrudes,
By the deep sea , and music in its roar,
I love not man the less, but nature more,
From these our interviews from which i steal
From all i may be , or have been before,
To mingle with the universe and feel
What i can never express , yet cannot all conceal.

And rain... in all its essence and beauty .... plays along... drops from the tip of a leaf... mingles with the depth of meandering rivers.... flows through our eyes down the cheeks.... ferments love....
gives meaning to what life is ... and finally , what i told about rain to kuttan.. that rain is simply..... esoteric !

Stories in short !

My Bday was a disaster.. i was really lookin forward to celebrating it but my intution pointed towards me celebrating a dry Bday ...! i mean not the dry day kind but a plain , not so entertaining Bday ! I came all dressed up and pretty ( i guess so, lol ! ) and wearing a new churidhar instead of wearing the usual T and jean kinda stuff was absolutely necessary this time so that it would mean i would look more mature and lady like ! i should 'erase' the tomboyish looks of mine.. and go for ultra feminine looks i guess ! :-) lol ! Anyways.. wrote 3 beautiful exams on my Bday from noon to night in which i have performed wonderfully.. so much so that the respective faculty who corrects it would quiver with bliss!!! :-/
So, the next day of my Bday .. that is April 7th was mom and dads wedding anniversary and somehow we could celebrate it at home.. just the five of us !
Met salini, after a really long time... at the Indian Coffee house again.. but couldnt spend much time as she had to rush to her class! I wasnt that happy ! We usually hang out for longer time periods.. in and around statue... ! Miss those times! I hopped into a bus from statue and got down at pattom.. walked home from there all alone in the rain.. felt good !
I saw this most primitive episodes of friends and had this intense urge to meet my friends.. thats how i planned this meeting at ICH , statue where salini and i met....
Messaged kani too but she didnt respond... saw her in 'kerala cafe' and i thought that her old beautiful face had vanished! She had grown a lot thinner i guess.. atleast her face did!
And im in this 'state of being' where i just wanna run away from the crowd.. probably its claustrophobia....! Wish i could go to kodungallur and spend sometime with appooppan and ammoomma and also see my newborn cousin 'anashwar' and my newborn nephew 'no name yet' .. Mini mema wanted a son and she got one ! she's happy ! But kavitha chechi wanted a daughter so badly but she delivered a baby boy on april 8th ! She might not be happy but i am coz he's born into the first of sun signs and my all time favourite 'Aries' ! :-) everybody loves their own sun signs right? well, i do !

NB: Above short stories have no link at all ! This might be called 'A random writing' which happens when you dont have a focus on what actually you have to write upon !

The 10th International DC Book Fair, Cochin !

Well... It was an experience in itself ! As PGDM students i guess we are lucky to have a lot of exposure. Something like OJTs in call centres...  Like before we hit the floor, we get this intense On the job training... which is like hell actually... and if the process is Dell , you dont have much to say but to bear ! 

Yeah so talking about DC Bookfair... first of all.. im happy to have lived in between a billion books for 12 days continuously !! Got to learn a lot of names.... of publishing houses... and of the lot i liked springer the most, for the sound of it and the price!! Phew!  

Another amazing thing was a chance to give a gift from the side of DC to Mr.Om puri... what an amazing feeling... ! And Mammootty ! Oh... being a die hard fan of his... i couldnt stop smiling ... him sitting next to Om puri...

Lunch was bad for the first few days.. stay at YMCA cochin was good... the team Udaips ( Ancy, Iti, Rakhi, Soumya, Surya , myself and teseena) stayed in one room... 6 beds ! The food at Golden fork restaurant downstairs was heavenly... loved it !! And the prices were also heavenly .. lol :) 

The main constraint standing at the stalls was this horrible pain in our legs... everybody went through it... we could sit for sometime if it became unbearable... 

My stall was the DC Academics along with Lijo, Mammen and Shijin...

It was good... I stood for a day and half at Harper Collins too because Ancy took an off.. H and C was good too... I met Ed and Lynne kirwin because of that .. Friendship for life! :)

I liked most of the DC staff .. they were very professional and very supportive.. I loved wishing everyone in the morning ! I would walk around the whole floor and wish everyone.. and teseena would comment.. are you the floor manager ??! 

On the last day, when everybody was saying goodbye and all they said that we were an amazing bunch.. and that our seniors who came last year for the Book fair a horrible lot ! Whether it was true or not we were happy to hear this ! 

All of us bought books... many of my classmates bought Chetan Bhagat! Chetan Bhagat for christs sake ??!! I just read one book of his and that was the end of it ! I became a hardcore Chetan Bhagat hater from then!

I bought three books - Polanski ( Autobiography of Roman Polanski.. the rascal genius !) The Catcher in the Rye ( Which i always wanted to buy and finally did ! ) and Madhavikutty's Diarykurippukal... :) I was happy that i bought all these books but if i had more money i could have bought some more... out of the last 800 rs of salary remaining .. i  got just 200.. the rest went for the books.... ! Poor me !

The worst part about the DC Book fair was writing a case on it ... we had to include everything of what happened during these 12 days, incorporate it with what we have learned in the classrooms and submit it... Everyone's case rather looked like a report..! Well.. atleast im sure, mine did! 

Anyways thats all about the 10th International DC book fair !

Recovering from my newyear blog disaster !!

Such an amazing feeling having found a post that i thought i'd missed !!!

My "newyear" post... i kinda lost it on 31st... i mean, i checked it in the drafts then and there but it wasn't present actually ! 

But today ... i saw, there it was ! In the drafts.... So i published it.. the last post of 2009!

What a feeling... having found something that you thought was lost....

Im soooo happy !  I hate Blog post disasters !!!  I wish this never happened to me again ! :)

New year... ?!!

Ahh.. 11.25 pm, in a few minutes its new year... 2010.. whats so new about new year ? Years back it meant something... now why do i feel this way.... Am i 80 years old or something... 'everyday is just the same day for me' kinda feeling..... Happy to have talked to sandeepettan... loved it when he screamed chekka and greeted me... ! Can't digest when he talks with a heavy British accent though...! Wish we could meet again and spent some quality time.. 

What are my new year plans? Nothing special... i'd just love to shut from the system and go for a peaceful sleep... no music, no party, no tv - not at all! , no friends , no family ! 

Or i wish i was alone and camping on top of a mountain looking across a beautiful city .. just like Alexander Supertramp.. . and see the city welcoming  the new dawn.. that would have been beautiful... 

Watched Avatar with family, didn't find it so good ! It was visually aesthetic ! Thats all i could feel !

The most amazing thing that happened today was holding Vrinda's baby... it was a wonderful feeling... such a tiny being.. what i liked about him was his inquisitiveness like expression... keeping quite... watching things... listening to a language alien to him and nodding his head as if he could understand... Couldn't take my eyes off him.. didn't want to !

When does Athena want a baby ? At the age of 19..... 

When did i want a baby? At the age of 17... :) lol..  just 2 yrs earlier than Athena....! But i haven't met my cahit yet ! 

Feeling too too sleepy.. because i saw 4 am today after many years... was at arunchettan's home, ernakulam! And its such a nice feeling when you get to know that people have an idea about your tastes.. ! I was so happy to see the  'Arundhati  made'  puttu and kadala on the table along with a glass of kattan chaaya  when i reached their home on 30th morning.... 

And today valyamma wakes up at 4 am to make puttu !!! And i had puttu and pazham at 4 30.... amazing feeling ! The rest of the day i had no rest...!! So, totally tired... wanna sleep but we've got to cut the chocolate cake that we bought from ambrosia.... after that.... just SHUT DOWN ! :) Go to a deeeep sleeeep !

I wish i find something new in this so called new year ! i dont wanna make any unnecessary resolutions or decisions of doing something , being somebody better or so ! That would be a big joke !! Especially when i'm on the other end of the decision making thread ! lol..... 

Happy new year to all those who are looking forward to a beautiful beginning.... :)  

Seven pounds and death !

Writing about death does not seem to be a good idea to me at 1.49 am !

But watching Seven pounds ( I watched half of it a week ago and didnt continue watching it coz i dont know , didnt feel like it... ) So i made it a point to finish watching it today!  Its our management fest LUMINANCE tomorrow.. Participating colleges have come in... a lot of colleges.. a lot of students...

Everyone's asleep and ready to wake up at 3.30 to get ready for the next days program! WTF.. i can't even imagine! Im such a laidback person... i wouldn't wanna wake up at 3.3o in the morning and get ready for the programs...! I wouldn't do something which i really dont believe in !

Yeah, anyways, talking about death ...

i dont know how to judge the movie 'seven pounds' 

I dont have the  sense to judge right now! But i believe i ended up thinking somethings about death... I was wondering, first of all.. the reason why i never get past the two pages of Albert Camus' A HAPPY  DEATH ! i never can ! And i dont think i ever will ! I started trying to read it since i was a kid ( yeah thats a bit too much early to read camus, coz i dont even understand it now ). Somehow i was attracted to the book and tried to read it everytime... and ended up successfully failing ( which is my forte !! ) 

Watching seven pounds i was wondering what death is all about... the mystery of death is irritating.... But its said that once you get the meaning of death... the spirit of living is lost !

I dont know! Im in the mid - neither do i believe it nor do i not believe it ! 

Death is so inevitable... So is life..! If we could escape death , why can't we escape life?

Why do we have to live... go through a lot of experiences.. just to venture into something which we really don't know at all ! Then whats the point in living? eee... disgusting thoughts....! 

The scenes gave me no meaning... but  i like the idea of making love when its raining outside...

kissing while you are crying and when tears are rolling down your cheeks....

I like the idea of half burnt candles.. still struggling to burn.. in the midst of beautiful raindrops... 

Life's a sweet pain.. Just like Love is ! 

And death sums it all up ! I really dont like the idea of death.... but like the "what if" game in the movie... if we knew how much less time we had... we would do more things beautiful in life...

we would smile more.. love more... help more... listen more... And do whatever we enjoy doing the most.... Well, thats what i think.... it could differ !

Writing about death does not seem to be a good idea to me at 2.14 am either... So i am stopping here.... 

But let the words i typed in between be like the unseen eeriness surrounding DEATH !

Catastrophe !

What happens when, while wandering around you have lots of thoughts in your mind which you would like to scribble when you sign into your blog , but when you actually sign in, you realise that there is nothing to write ! Its a goddamn catastrophe as far as im concerned !
I've been at home for a while now..and many a times wanted to write something... but held up because of laziness.. and rajeev commented " ninde madi njangade bhagyam ! " As they wont have to read my blogs! lol !
I joined twitter and found it troublesome! Didnt like it much... i searched for tharoor and ended up following his two sons Kanishk Tharoor and Ishaan Tharoor , both journalists...
I really dont understand the politics that they talk about ! I dont know whats going on around the world.. and somehow, to my own surprise.. im least bothered....! Thats so bad of me....!
A future manager with zero knowledge?!! Achan gives lots of lectures at home regarding how much i should increase the vastness of my very little and limited knowledge about the world... well, he's true, but i dont find that push to know things... i only wanna know what i wanna know... not what all i need to know.. its pretty bad i guess... selective reading, knowing and understanding of things... Achan signed up in twitter and is happily married to it now.... tweets are like his own kids ! lol.... Today before writing this post, i changed my blog name again to mannequine... i dont know why in the first place i changed it to a very stupid blogname... nice to get back on mannequine ! At noon i text messaged Jayanth Abraham that i didnt have swine flu , and that he could come to my home now with the dvds that i gave him to burn some movies for me! I was a bit sarcastic in the message that i sent him.. because i'd given him the dvds a long time back and yet he hadn't burned the movies for me, and the day i told him dat i doubt having swine flu, he just vanished into thin air.. and never came home.. haha ! So in the evening the doorbell rings and there he was ! with a dvd..! He said a lot of stuff, i made fun of him for being fearful which he denied... Anyways lots of movies and books pending....

IFFK 09 starts from dec 11th and lasts on dec 18th ! Will miss sitting in the ice cold inside of theaters and breathing movies...... sadly i wont be able to take anymore leaves from DC!