Stealing Beauty

I wait.. I wait so patiently, i'm quiet as a cup.. I hope you'll come and rattle me...
Quick! Come.. wake me up.





PS : Title and words shamelessly borrowed from the movie 'Stealing Beauty'. The photograph - an original, tad bit of me.

My book of secrets

Our perfumed lives..

Imagine... we all have this beautiful perfumed lives... we connect with and relate to various fragrances around us.. and then we go back to the same situation, the same place, gets surrounded by the same people.. we relive those very moments...

I have this old revlon lipstick which smells of the time when i was in love...
Elle 18 naughty spray... smells of my teenage days..
Cuticura powder reminds me of Kodungallur and achaachan (grand pa)
New books, reminds me of the Academic book house and my school days..
The smell of soil when it rains.. takes me again, but back to many places at the same time.. Trivandrum, Trissur, Pune ...

Beautiful perfumed lives of ours..

Sex and thathaastu !!

I've always thought of writing something about her you know, my best friend. In fact i could write lots if i start writing, and i could end up winning an award for so closely observing a person and writing about her, or even direct a movie about her, since she has quite an eventful life! Every time we went outside , roamed around the city, spoke about books, cinema, love, betrayal, men or even the 'tartlet' who unscrupulously destroyed her otherwise 'not so calm' life, i had always thought.. man.. i need to write.! And she would yell.. " Indu you need to write!! " And then there are like tons of Topics to write about her.. and i never got to start !

But today, this moment i miss her.. She has gone to this particular place to do some work and will be back only by 'another day' which i am so not sure of.. I am waiting for her to come back just so that we would meet and just be us - talking our hearts out and laughing at how stupid it all seems!

Well, this particular post is a 'little story' about how funny even a serious scenario of making love could be!! I found it utterly funny and just thought of writing about it.

My dear, I know its a bad start. But i'll do some serious writing later on, trust me on this !!

Okei, so there in that small rusty old house (she's gonna kill me) which is quite intriguing and charming at the same time with its old-world looks, they make love..

Her soulmate (i hate the term boyfriend) is really good in bed, she had told me. So there he was busy doing things that he was supposed to do. He is a very passionate guy and regardless of his weak looking thin body, he would do anything to make his woman happy and satisfied. While he was busy, moving, like a rickety old bus on an Indian road ( well, forgive me for this part.. its just the writers imagination lol!) My best friend, just started talking about how good it would have been if an imaginary guy who had this six pack abs, broad shoulders, extremely tall and well built body, who totally looked like a hunk made love to her.. She was intensely describing the very minute features that she would die for and all (And originally, it would be a lot upsetting to the man who is making love to her listen to all this, but her man was very good in that regard i suppose, he didn't seem to have cared, he was cool and he probably very busy doing the 'act' and may be he never actually heard her talking all that time) He didn't respond for quite some time. He was busy.. She continued to describe. Suddenly from that tedious effort which he was involved in, he raised his head like a turtle would, and said 'THATHAASTU!!!' which literally meant that he wished her that she gets all that she wants! My best friend was shocked/surprised, and broke out in laughter knowing the very fact that he had all this while listened to what she was going on talking about.. She thought he never noticed..! So there she was, talking about someone with a ridiculously perfect six pack abs making love to her when her man was actually busy doing it. I would say that the person who takes the crown here is her soulmate who is rather very broadminded and cool and humorous, So much so that he granted her the wish saying 'Thathaastu' in the end! :)

My best friend told me this little story and we laughed a lot while we were having Masala Dosa at Arul Jyothi a few days back. :) End of story.

Moral : Sometimes little things make us happy in this enormously 'depression' driven economy, state and people! That, some funny little things in the middle of some serious and passionate efforts can bring in some peculiar kind of relief and a funny kind of perplexed joy!! LOL

Love you sweetheart, this is for you !:)

A small walk

So there i was.. back in Trivandrum city. Wasn't i waiting for this moment.. yes i was, but when i reached here, the fact that college life is over kind of weakened me.. Anyways i kept quiet, trying hard to enjoy. Yesterday i had to go to pay the electricity bill and the place i had to go was nearby, just a walkable distance. But in this scorching heat.. its impossible to even raise your eyebrows and look out of your house.. My eyes pained and i felt like i was having those protruding eyes that of a chameleon.. rolling inside out! I asked kuttu for an umbrella. Doomed. Both the umbrellas that we had at home were not in a condition to be used. I went out and to the opposite house. Asked them for an umbrella, while they were searching for one, i went inside and looked all over.. trying to find happiness in the memories that were intact in my mind rather than the house which held them. Yes, its after years that i had stepped into that house. I was attached to the house or the people who previously lived there, to be precise. I got the umbrella, and so started my little walk. I walked and walked and walked. Umbrella in one hand, the pink colour purse and the blue colour mobile phone in the other hand. Started to think and then because i was alone and had nobody to talk to, i started talking to myself. It's so enjoyable. You are the one who talks, the one who listens, the one who argues, the one who criticizes - everything is by you. And so very limited by you alone! Anyways i was thinking how i stopped writing for so long... and i wondered how much more lazy i have become. But i also thought that i write all the time.. its not that i don't write at all. Its just that i write in my mind.. sometimes words flow out and i pen it down in my mind.. i dont take the pains to go online and write. So, many times i wrote like that. And this small walk played a catalyst to write later! While walking, I felt a bit odd. People looked at me. Either because 1) i was too good looking 2) Too ugly 3) Dressed differently 4) seemed like a Maali 5) Out of the world??
I don't know but they looked..! I was tired and gave them all this tired "i-am-a-poor-girl-just leave-me-alone" looks! I continued walking, and i thought i loved Trivandrum so much.. Like Trivandrum was my love, my soulmate or something.. but then when i was walking through those familiar streets, i didn't find it familiar anymore..i felt like Trivandrum is alien to me. Or may be now,i have become an alien as far as Trivandrum is concerned. I was sad. I normally enjoy walking alone anywhere in this city but this time i was overwhelmed with sadness because i was not able to find that joy i used to feel before. I wondered why.. But then the small walk ended abruptly as i reached my destination and paid the bill. Walked back home. While i was walking through the lane.. i saw Rafael, this elderly person who does petty works in our residence association walk towards me.. My eyes met his and he asked me why i looked so upset and serious!
I was in total shock.. i mean, was it so visible? Does my temperament reflect so well and make profound impacts on my face? I was embarrassed. I smiled to him and said nothing and nodded my head to show him i'm completely alright. He smiled and walked past me. I was wondering how people could read your face so well.. I started walking again. It is so hot in trivandrum i thought. I went to the house opposite mine to give back the umbrella, but they seemed to have closed all the doors. I assumed that they must have slept so got back to my home. This small walk, i thought!

A long lost post !

WRITING IS A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE FORM OF SCHIZOPHRENIA – E L DOCTOROW

A pretty positive statement that would motivate any amateurs !!
Anyways.. talking about something i really wanted to talk about for a long time.. I really hate most of the supplements that a certain newspaper offers because I don’t think that it gives any information that a common Indian citizen would know or want to know about. Yes, there could be people who might relentlessly follow whatever comes in as a breather of fresh air to their knowledge ( about ?? Lesbians, transvestites, or homosexuals around the world..! What on earth …!!! ) I am not against any of those people but with due respect I’d like to state that instead of helping create a goddamn awareness about their rights and their lifestyle, this particular newspaper publishes oodles of irrelevant pictures with some crap written about it. I still wonder… what on earth !!

Its 4 o clock and dark like hell when I am writing this, I am also very much aware of the fact that I haven’t had my lunch, that I am hungry , that I have a pretty bad head ache probably because I didn’t eat.. but still I just don’t feel like eating… I mean that’s such a laborious task ! seriously, my aim of crossing a 45 KG is a distant dream..if I go like this…

Its about to rain, I could see the coconut trees dancing on the state of its imbalance… the palm leaves wavering…. The sound of thunder ! Magestic !! Raindrops on the dried up leaves … romance on the hair on your skin,Its amazing, they just completely go vertical! And when you listen to the music of sleep away and maid with the flaxen hair…. Especially sleep away I must say… it becomes all the more beautiful!

A really close friend of mine calls me up and we talk for about an hour.. He asks me about my internship.. like, whats the latest update. He has been seeing the pretty screwed up situation that I've been facing since last two weeks.. He calls me up most of the days from his office and enquires. And I have lots of complaints. Today he calls me up and I told him that I am seriously sick of people asking me the same question over and over again! The call got cut in between because there was a range problem ( why.. why god why ??!! Aren’t there enough towers !! ) He calls me up again and then when he talked, he had changed the subject already.. he was asking me, which movie is on asianet and surya? I said I don’t know and laughed.. he said why don’t you give some importance to those things (like mohanlal and mammotty movies on channels) instead of dwelling in the insecurities of not getting an internship confirmed…? I understood that he was trying to kind of console me and all… but I was in no mood to get consoled! Although I listened… He talked about living a hippie life and all… God… a hippie life … and who’s saying that ? A guy who doesn’t drink, smoke, doesn’t have a girl friend, has a well paid job at a reputed software firm.. ! Very interesting ! Irony of life!

Thats all for now !


PS: This was written a long time back when I was sitting at home confused ! And I hate not having WI FI at home.. I like DC better.. I could write anytime anywhere !

I believe there's no title !

I read somewhere .. how important it is in life.. not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong ...

Courtesy : Into  the Wild 

Rain

I remember myself changing my orkut caption to 'Love, mist and rain ' when i first joined DC and came to Vagamon in june... Rain was an everyday affair then... the day started with rain and ended with rain.. at night i could sleep peacefully with the sound of raindrops in the background... and one night when i was very happy listening to the rain , i remember sending a message to kuttan - " Like beautiful imaginary pearls falling on a tin roof.. sound of rain ! :-) "
Well... i love everything about the rain... starting from the growling atmosphere... darkening clouds.. grey... brimming with love... the first rain drops instigating that beautiful fragrance of earth... the lightning accompanied by thunder bolts... the whole thing excites me like none other !
I think that rain is the most beautiful gift that nature has ever given us ! Rain is one thing that inspires.. its the one thing that brings immense joy... Rain is that little pleasure trip that would take us of our tensions and sorrows... and let us be one with nature ! And when one is so close to nature , one feels happy ! May be thats why Lord Byron came up with this poem...

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where none intrudes,
By the deep sea , and music in its roar,
I love not man the less, but nature more,
From these our interviews from which i steal
From all i may be , or have been before,
To mingle with the universe and feel
What i can never express , yet cannot all conceal.

And rain... in all its essence and beauty .... plays along... drops from the tip of a leaf... mingles with the depth of meandering rivers.... flows through our eyes down the cheeks.... ferments love....
gives meaning to what life is ... and finally , what i told about rain to kuttan.. that rain is simply..... esoteric !

Stories in short !

My Bday was a disaster.. i was really lookin forward to celebrating it but my intution pointed towards me celebrating a dry Bday ...! i mean not the dry day kind but a plain , not so entertaining Bday ! I came all dressed up and pretty ( i guess so, lol ! ) and wearing a new churidhar instead of wearing the usual T and jean kinda stuff was absolutely necessary this time so that it would mean i would look more mature and lady like ! i should 'erase' the tomboyish looks of mine.. and go for ultra feminine looks i guess ! :-) lol ! Anyways.. wrote 3 beautiful exams on my Bday from noon to night in which i have performed wonderfully.. so much so that the respective faculty who corrects it would quiver with bliss!!! :-/
So, the next day of my Bday .. that is April 7th was mom and dads wedding anniversary and somehow we could celebrate it at home.. just the five of us !
Met salini, after a really long time... at the Indian Coffee house again.. but couldnt spend much time as she had to rush to her class! I wasnt that happy ! We usually hang out for longer time periods.. in and around statue... ! Miss those times! I hopped into a bus from statue and got down at pattom.. walked home from there all alone in the rain.. felt good !
I saw this most primitive episodes of friends and had this intense urge to meet my friends.. thats how i planned this meeting at ICH , statue where salini and i met....
Messaged kani too but she didnt respond... saw her in 'kerala cafe' and i thought that her old beautiful face had vanished! She had grown a lot thinner i guess.. atleast her face did!
And im in this 'state of being' where i just wanna run away from the crowd.. probably its claustrophobia....! Wish i could go to kodungallur and spend sometime with appooppan and ammoomma and also see my newborn cousin 'anashwar' and my newborn nephew 'no name yet' .. Mini mema wanted a son and she got one ! she's happy ! But kavitha chechi wanted a daughter so badly but she delivered a baby boy on april 8th ! She might not be happy but i am coz he's born into the first of sun signs and my all time favourite 'Aries' ! :-) everybody loves their own sun signs right? well, i do !

NB: Above short stories have no link at all ! This might be called 'A random writing' which happens when you dont have a focus on what actually you have to write upon !

The 10th International DC Book Fair, Cochin !

Well... It was an experience in itself ! As PGDM students i guess we are lucky to have a lot of exposure. Something like OJTs in call centres...  Like before we hit the floor, we get this intense On the job training... which is like hell actually... and if the process is Dell , you dont have much to say but to bear ! 

Yeah so talking about DC Bookfair... first of all.. im happy to have lived in between a billion books for 12 days continuously !! Got to learn a lot of names.... of publishing houses... and of the lot i liked springer the most, for the sound of it and the price!! Phew!  

Another amazing thing was a chance to give a gift from the side of DC to Mr.Om puri... what an amazing feeling... ! And Mammootty ! Oh... being a die hard fan of his... i couldnt stop smiling ... him sitting next to Om puri...

Lunch was bad for the first few days.. stay at YMCA cochin was good... the team Udaips ( Ancy, Iti, Rakhi, Soumya, Surya , myself and teseena) stayed in one room... 6 beds ! The food at Golden fork restaurant downstairs was heavenly... loved it !! And the prices were also heavenly .. lol :) 

The main constraint standing at the stalls was this horrible pain in our legs... everybody went through it... we could sit for sometime if it became unbearable... 

My stall was the DC Academics along with Lijo, Mammen and Shijin...

It was good... I stood for a day and half at Harper Collins too because Ancy took an off.. H and C was good too... I met Ed and Lynne kirwin because of that .. Friendship for life! :)

I liked most of the DC staff .. they were very professional and very supportive.. I loved wishing everyone in the morning ! I would walk around the whole floor and wish everyone.. and teseena would comment.. are you the floor manager ??! 

On the last day, when everybody was saying goodbye and all they said that we were an amazing bunch.. and that our seniors who came last year for the Book fair a horrible lot ! Whether it was true or not we were happy to hear this ! 

All of us bought books... many of my classmates bought Chetan Bhagat! Chetan Bhagat for christs sake ??!! I just read one book of his and that was the end of it ! I became a hardcore Chetan Bhagat hater from then!

I bought three books - Polanski ( Autobiography of Roman Polanski.. the rascal genius !) The Catcher in the Rye ( Which i always wanted to buy and finally did ! ) and Madhavikutty's Diarykurippukal... :) I was happy that i bought all these books but if i had more money i could have bought some more... out of the last 800 rs of salary remaining .. i  got just 200.. the rest went for the books.... ! Poor me !

The worst part about the DC Book fair was writing a case on it ... we had to include everything of what happened during these 12 days, incorporate it with what we have learned in the classrooms and submit it... Everyone's case rather looked like a report..! Well.. atleast im sure, mine did! 

Anyways thats all about the 10th International DC book fair !

Recovering from my newyear blog disaster !!

Such an amazing feeling having found a post that i thought i'd missed !!!

My "newyear" post... i kinda lost it on 31st... i mean, i checked it in the drafts then and there but it wasn't present actually ! 

But today ... i saw, there it was ! In the drafts.... So i published it.. the last post of 2009!

What a feeling... having found something that you thought was lost....

Im soooo happy !  I hate Blog post disasters !!!  I wish this never happened to me again ! :)

New year... ?!!

Ahh.. 11.25 pm, in a few minutes its new year... 2010.. whats so new about new year ? Years back it meant something... now why do i feel this way.... Am i 80 years old or something... 'everyday is just the same day for me' kinda feeling..... Happy to have talked to sandeepettan... loved it when he screamed chekka and greeted me... ! Can't digest when he talks with a heavy British accent though...! Wish we could meet again and spent some quality time.. 

What are my new year plans? Nothing special... i'd just love to shut from the system and go for a peaceful sleep... no music, no party, no tv - not at all! , no friends , no family ! 

Or i wish i was alone and camping on top of a mountain looking across a beautiful city .. just like Alexander Supertramp.. . and see the city welcoming  the new dawn.. that would have been beautiful... 

Watched Avatar with family, didn't find it so good ! It was visually aesthetic ! Thats all i could feel !

The most amazing thing that happened today was holding Vrinda's baby... it was a wonderful feeling... such a tiny being.. what i liked about him was his inquisitiveness like expression... keeping quite... watching things... listening to a language alien to him and nodding his head as if he could understand... Couldn't take my eyes off him.. didn't want to !

When does Athena want a baby ? At the age of 19..... 

When did i want a baby? At the age of 17... :) lol..  just 2 yrs earlier than Athena....! But i haven't met my cahit yet ! 

Feeling too too sleepy.. because i saw 4 am today after many years... was at arunchettan's home, ernakulam! And its such a nice feeling when you get to know that people have an idea about your tastes.. ! I was so happy to see the  'Arundhati  made'  puttu and kadala on the table along with a glass of kattan chaaya  when i reached their home on 30th morning.... 

And today valyamma wakes up at 4 am to make puttu !!! And i had puttu and pazham at 4 30.... amazing feeling ! The rest of the day i had no rest...!! So, totally tired... wanna sleep but we've got to cut the chocolate cake that we bought from ambrosia.... after that.... just SHUT DOWN ! :) Go to a deeeep sleeeep !

I wish i find something new in this so called new year ! i dont wanna make any unnecessary resolutions or decisions of doing something , being somebody better or so ! That would be a big joke !! Especially when i'm on the other end of the decision making thread ! lol..... 

Happy new year to all those who are looking forward to a beautiful beginning.... :)  

Seven pounds and death !

Writing about death does not seem to be a good idea to me at 1.49 am !

But watching Seven pounds ( I watched half of it a week ago and didnt continue watching it coz i dont know , didnt feel like it... ) So i made it a point to finish watching it today!  Its our management fest LUMINANCE tomorrow.. Participating colleges have come in... a lot of colleges.. a lot of students...

Everyone's asleep and ready to wake up at 3.30 to get ready for the next days program! WTF.. i can't even imagine! Im such a laidback person... i wouldn't wanna wake up at 3.3o in the morning and get ready for the programs...! I wouldn't do something which i really dont believe in !

Yeah, anyways, talking about death ...

i dont know how to judge the movie 'seven pounds' 

I dont have the  sense to judge right now! But i believe i ended up thinking somethings about death... I was wondering, first of all.. the reason why i never get past the two pages of Albert Camus' A HAPPY  DEATH ! i never can ! And i dont think i ever will ! I started trying to read it since i was a kid ( yeah thats a bit too much early to read camus, coz i dont even understand it now ). Somehow i was attracted to the book and tried to read it everytime... and ended up successfully failing ( which is my forte !! ) 

Watching seven pounds i was wondering what death is all about... the mystery of death is irritating.... But its said that once you get the meaning of death... the spirit of living is lost !

I dont know! Im in the mid - neither do i believe it nor do i not believe it ! 

Death is so inevitable... So is life..! If we could escape death , why can't we escape life?

Why do we have to live... go through a lot of experiences.. just to venture into something which we really don't know at all ! Then whats the point in living? eee... disgusting thoughts....! 

The scenes gave me no meaning... but  i like the idea of making love when its raining outside...

kissing while you are crying and when tears are rolling down your cheeks....

I like the idea of half burnt candles.. still struggling to burn.. in the midst of beautiful raindrops... 

Life's a sweet pain.. Just like Love is ! 

And death sums it all up ! I really dont like the idea of death.... but like the "what if" game in the movie... if we knew how much less time we had... we would do more things beautiful in life...

we would smile more.. love more... help more... listen more... And do whatever we enjoy doing the most.... Well, thats what i think.... it could differ !

Writing about death does not seem to be a good idea to me at 2.14 am either... So i am stopping here.... 

But let the words i typed in between be like the unseen eeriness surrounding DEATH !

Catastrophe !

What happens when, while wandering around you have lots of thoughts in your mind which you would like to scribble when you sign into your blog , but when you actually sign in, you realise that there is nothing to write ! Its a goddamn catastrophe as far as im concerned !
I've been at home for a while now..and many a times wanted to write something... but held up because of laziness.. and rajeev commented " ninde madi njangade bhagyam ! " As they wont have to read my blogs! lol !
I joined twitter and found it troublesome! Didnt like it much... i searched for tharoor and ended up following his two sons Kanishk Tharoor and Ishaan Tharoor , both journalists...
I really dont understand the politics that they talk about ! I dont know whats going on around the world.. and somehow, to my own surprise.. im least bothered....! Thats so bad of me....!
A future manager with zero knowledge?!! Achan gives lots of lectures at home regarding how much i should increase the vastness of my very little and limited knowledge about the world... well, he's true, but i dont find that push to know things... i only wanna know what i wanna know... not what all i need to know.. its pretty bad i guess... selective reading, knowing and understanding of things... Achan signed up in twitter and is happily married to it now.... tweets are like his own kids ! lol.... Today before writing this post, i changed my blog name again to mannequine... i dont know why in the first place i changed it to a very stupid blogname... nice to get back on mannequine ! At noon i text messaged Jayanth Abraham that i didnt have swine flu , and that he could come to my home now with the dvds that i gave him to burn some movies for me! I was a bit sarcastic in the message that i sent him.. because i'd given him the dvds a long time back and yet he hadn't burned the movies for me, and the day i told him dat i doubt having swine flu, he just vanished into thin air.. and never came home.. haha ! So in the evening the doorbell rings and there he was ! with a dvd..! He said a lot of stuff, i made fun of him for being fearful which he denied... Anyways lots of movies and books pending....

IFFK 09 starts from dec 11th and lasts on dec 18th ! Will miss sitting in the ice cold inside of theaters and breathing movies...... sadly i wont be able to take anymore leaves from DC!

Thoovanathumbikal !

I buy the magazine vanitha whenever i can.. although i feel that 90 % of the content is mundane.. and repetetions, im kinda interested to know some of the internal affairs of celebrities.. not all .. but some of the people whom i really adore .. may be.. madhavikutty or shobhana or Arundhathi Roy.. Vanitha makes it a point to interview some influential personalities..!

Sometimes they have nothing at all! Then i just turn the glossy pages over like a maniac looking at some brilliant colours on display! Sometimes i try to decide which colour saree i should choose for my wedding day.. and finally i go to my mom and gives the book with a pleasent smile coz i didnt find anything in it other than colours.. and mom doesnt mind! She's not lookin out for some knowledge in celebrity life!

So.. this months edition of vanitha has an interview of one Mr. Unni menon , close friend of Padmarajan.. I was really interested in reading it coz its been not so long since i've watched Thoovanathumbikal.. and i found the movie really nice! So, I start reading.. and i come to know that the protagonist jayakrishnan played by mohanlal is actually based on
Unni menon...and the poor thing Ashokan was padmarajan himself...
Mr.Menon said, that when padmarajan first came to thrissur he didnt even know how to smoke.. he would drink a little and would vomit the whole stuff a minute later.. Ashokan played it quite well i suppose...

Padmarajan wrote beautiful words to Radha his lover then ...
" Appol ende omane.. ithaanende veedu..Ne varunno?
namukkavide padinjaare vazhiyude iruvashangalilumaayi oraal pokathil vetti nirthiya aralichedikalude naduvil nilaavu veezhumbol chennirikaam..." Sounds nice... i wonder why no one wrote letters to me like this.. i would fall for him then and there ! Such eloquentness... and in malayalam... it would seem so serious and sweet !

Clara never existed, says Unni menon.. he says that neither did he nor anyone in their group knew such a character ..
"Evideyo ninnu vannu engotto poya clara? Epozhum mazhayodopam maatram vannaval.. braanthande changalayile vrinanamaavaan mohichaval... "

And im thinking... "Braanthande changalayile vrinamavan maatramulla vattenikundo daivame..? hmmm.. illa... !! Enthaayalum vrinamavan enikk patilla...! " As Rejeesh says and the rest of the gang approves... njan oru neat vijayan alle....! "Venemenkil braanthande changala aavaam... not vrinam...!" lol...... Anyways i enjoyed reading the article.. there were two photographs of padmarajan... Beautiful eyes he had! Or was that a beautiful gaze...i dont know! They looked quite insightful... but sad that they're resting with a lot of impending ideas.....
Thoovanathumbikal ... umm.... what does it mean?!

Fassbinder....

Dad always talks about him and his movies..
Rainer Werner Maria Fassbinder, A german movie director...
I've known him and his movies only through dads words... The climax scene of 'The marriage of Maria Braun' flashes across in my mind when dad narrates it...
I don't think i've watched his movies... But would like to!

Milan Kundera

" There are things that can be accomplished only by violence..

Physical love is unthinkable without violence"

Strong? Not me!

Evening :
The word is strong.. and i dont know what people mean when they say "Be strong" Anyways today i cried after a long time.. i realised 'strong' is quite not the word for me... infact i realised im not at all strong....
I can pretend to be so, but im not ! And for the first time today, i didnt feel bad for being this sensitive and not so strong... im taking it in ! Im sensitive and im not strong ! So what... So nothing... just a few tears would roll down my cheeks...and i'd wipe it off.. thats all ! I call Vrinda and she says she'll give a call back.. she calls me up and listens to me and tries to make peace within my fluttered mind... we talk for about an hour and a half... I felt relieved.. and then we started talking about madhavikutty like two crazy fans... we talked so much about her... it was sad ! We both couldnt digest the fact that she is no more.. We were'nt here in trivandrum when her body was brought to the Palayam Juma Masjid.. Vrinda at kayamkulam, me at ernakulam.. she said "namukk bhagyamilleda! Atleast to see her from faraway " Talkin about madhavikutty, we then moved onto her books.. then other books... other writers... I was feelin much better... she asked me to have food properly and called me a shavam(her way of scolding me), coz i dont eat and put on weight !

Morning :
Morning was quite good..I saw 5 o clock after years i guess!
Went for a walk at kanakakunu with salini... the best part i liked was watching a bunch of elderly people with white Tshirts sayin 'Walkers club, Trivandrum' written on it...They were walkin like they have to soon reach that place or else they'll miss the best of things! They seemed so happy and cracked jokes among themselves laughing like there was no tomorrow! Felt good seeing them... I stood at the small enclosure made of stones where i always go and watched the open stage.. nishagandhi..
It has become an obsession now... just the stage !

Night :
A few minutes back i was talkin to philip through text messages.. and he said it was his Bday today ! There werent any Bday updates today when i opened my profile... he said he hadnt enabled it..! I shouted at him.. and wished him Bday ! I dont remember my frnds Bdays much... all my frnds know dat quite well.. ! Infact for Vrinda's Bday she called me up and said "Eda, ende Bday aanu..." and i could listen to her smiling on the other side ! I was like.. "Oh ! im sorry sweetheart !! As always... i missed dis one too..!"
But she was calm.. she said she knew that her best frnd would forget and so she has to remind her! She laughed and said thats what best frnds are for... "See, i know u quite well!" She said! I felt sorry....
But, i think i can't help forgetting frnds Bdays, apologising later and then wishing them! Its in my blood i guess... And its really bad... i feel awful everytime i miss their bdays !

Now : Time to wind up...

Books, thoughts, words...

Was at DC Books yesterday... books, books, books all around...
I was wondering.. If i was in a prison, sentenced to a lifetime imprisonment... and had nothing else to do other than.. some gardening, some washing , some article making or whatever... I could probably spend my time reading... i mean it should be less of work... and more of reading... lol !
I did tell my idea to salini.. and she burst into laughter !!

I looked around.. People who had money bought books they liked.. and people who didnt have any money, like me, stood there and read books partially plotting ways to make a lot of money so dat they can buy and read those books in the future..!
Asked for 'The Catcher in the Rye' but it wasn't available.. They said it'll be available after 3 days or so.. One gentleman still thought the book is somewhere there and checked and found one! But that was the readers guide to 'The Catcher in the Rye' ... we smiled.... Both of us went through certain books.... I took Ayn rands 'Atlas shrugged' and just turned the pages.... oooh quite a lot to read ! "stopping the motor of the world" by withdrawing the "minds" ( not a good time to start - I thought ! )
We left the place after salini buyin some study materials...

The Catcher in the Rye !

Midnight.. 9th june .. as usual i get no sleep.. i wonder why on earth i get to lie awake with my eyes wide open and the lids blinkin 100 times per second while everyone else at home is fast asleep... more thoughts less sleep... ! lol
Well.. i somehow pass my time contemplating absolutely nothing ! At about 3.30 am dads blackberry cries! A set alarm ! He wakes up and im relieved.. Its always like this for insomniacs i guess... when somebody wakes up they feel good about it ! lol.. So i get up too... Dad is startled to see me awake...
I ask him whether shall i make tea for him.. he has this trip to IIIT, Allahabad to give a talk... the flights at 6 or something... he says okei... and i make tea... we didnt call the rest of the members of the madhouse... coz they were oh...so tired..and sleeping ! Dad said no need to call anyone... and i agreed... coz there actually was no need! These trips happened every other day ! So the car comes from CDAC to pick him up, he says goodbye and goes... i lock the door.. and puts on the TV... ! ( That was obvious )
Some movie going on.. i still haven't found out its name... i was about to change but... the words struck me! Oh well.. starmovies have subtitles even though its not required.. but i love them showing the subtitles! U can mostly catch the dialogues word by word.. The dialogues in the movie seemed very deep... and crazy... The protagonist seemed to be like me... always having thoughts in his mind.... i got interested ! I didnt change the channel... And later on, i realised that the movie was about John lennon's murder by his own fan... Mark David Chapman.. and since i liked John lennon and his songs and morever his love for yoko ono.. i stuck to the movie , not changing it!
Sometime later the book in the hands of the protagonist catches my attention... The catcher in the Rye.. The protagonist is obsessed with the child hero of the book... Holden.... He thinks he's holden.. he's got to do something big in this world before he dies... He kills john lennon finally as he set his mind to ! Bcoz he felt "I was nobody until I killed the biggest somebody on earth"
They showed that the lines from the book resonates in the protagonists mind all the time... It made me delusional... i got crazy...! The nuts and bolts loosening up a bit... more due to no sleep and some due to those magical words... i was like in a transcendental state ! I decided to find out whether such a book really exists so dat i can read it and go mad !! what a desire! lol.. I slept at 7 in the morning on 10th... woke up at 10 am.. coz we had decided to watch a movie at 11... went with sis, chindu and frnds... watched the movie.. spent a beautiful day with frnds at museum and nishagandhi.... told about the movie and how i got carried away by the words to rejeesh... we were all lying on the open stage... the blue sky was a beautiful view... After comin back home i searched.. and there it is... The Catcher in the Rye... A 1951 novel by J.D.Salinger.... (based on a mishearing of Robert Burns' Comin' Through the Rye)
Right now i must be totally nuts not to sleep and write about 'The catcher in the rye' at 1 am on 13th june! Well... i told rejeesh about the book...yesterday he asked me to go to DC books, that i might find the book there...
I have to go ! And get the book ! I've never found this urge to read a book so badly............!

Holden: "You know that song, 'If a body catch a body comin' through the rye'?..."Phoebe: "It's 'If a body meet a body coming through the rye'!... It's a poem by Robert Burns."