Love is a losing game

I wake up at 5.30 am, not startled but out of frustration. Cold kills me sometimes. I couldn't breathe because my nose was blocked. I wanted to die actually. Its an agonizing situation, where you are deeply in your sleep but can't continue because you can't breathe. I feared if my sinusitis returned. I have nothing to do after waking up and I couldn't go back to sleep either. I chose to switch on my laptop and go online (may be). I signed into all that I could remember of and simply sat there, staring at the screen. Suddenly I thought of killing time by watching interviews or songs in you tube. Old songs / new songs/ Oprah/ Ellen/ MTV awards/ what not?! And I was also on a process of doing an in depth research on the people whose interviews I watched. Time went by really fast. I was happy. And then I remembered Amy winehouse who passed away recently. I had not heard any of her songs other than 'Rehab' neither did I know much about her. I first came to know about her when I happened to watch some crappy Hollywood movie where everyone (famous) were being made fun of! I did not understand who this lady was, she looked completely messed up and ugly with broken tooth et al. I was wondering who it was and Chindu said that it was this famous singer, Amy winehouse and she specifically mentioned that she was a drug addict. I felt sorry for her. That was it. I never thought about her again.

So today morning, now, I think about her. Want to know what Amy is all about . Let me hear her sing..I thought. I watched a couple of her interviews. Loved her accent. I got scared of the erratic behaviour that she showed in one of the interviews. I read the comments. 95% of the people loved her. They called her a real musician, a true jazz singer.. well, I felt glad and relieved after reading those comments because she wasn't anymore and she had an invariably bad history. So, I thought people might post rude comments calling her names and stuff. But that was limited. A very few said something bad about her. Which meant (probably) that she was deeply loved as an artist by the people around her.

I watched many more interviews of Amy winehouse. Sane, genuine, straight, fearless she was. I liked her. I thought she was nice but a little messed up like everyone of us.

I chanced upon a song of hers. The title caught my attention. 'Love is a losing game'
I thought i'll watch it and hear her sing... My heart weighed a thousand suns... it ached... longed for something that it knew would never be owned... I cried.... The song has her pain written all over it... Some fan commented "Am I the only one who believes that she died of a broken heart ??" She probably might have.. might have died of a broken heart rather than a drug overdose. I heard the song over and over again and got depressed in the early morning. I shouldn't have read about her, shouldn't have seen her interviews, shouldn't have heard her sing...I thought. The whole day I kept on thinking about this talented lady who died at the young age of 27. She needed love, She would have lived a happy life singing songs if she got what she had actually wanted. The deep ache in my heart grew.


"Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand"


I respect love more.