yaşamın kıyısında (The Edge of Heaven)

No, this is not a movie review of one of my favourite director's not so favourite movie of mine. This is a review of my love. Well, can love be actually reviewed? Actually no. Nothing in my list deserves to be reviewed these days. But writing for me is like catharsis, so I write. Two and a half years later, after a strenuous recovery from my life's first and foremost love failure, when I was frantically searching for my favourite director Fatih Akin in orkut people search, little did I know that I was beginning a new journey into a freshly brewed death. Serendipity I thought, while stumbling upon a fellow human being who liked Fatih Akin too. While going through the numerous number of books he read and the staggeringly numerous number of movies he watched, I was instantly moved. The feeling of adoration mixed with a tinge of.. infatuation. I didn't have to think twice to send such a knowledgeable person a friend's request. And add me he did. But we never spoke. Months of silence prevailed. One day, I put a status from one of my favourite movies, Into the Wild. It read like this “Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.” And suddenly I get a message from this person. "Some people feel they don't deserve love because they actually don't deserve love!!" I didn't know what to say, But I guess we spoke about somethings that night. Days passed, we spoke now and then and one night he suddenly asked for my number. I was surprised, that it had happened so soon and did not give him my number but took down his and told him that I would text him but I didn't. And he asked me why I didn't. So I send him a msg. That's it. The movie begins. Everything that happens next is as common as it could ever be. Beautiful and interesting conversations over the phone, beautiful words as text messages, beautiful movie recommendations, beautiful songs being sent to each other, Birthday gifts happily chosen and parcels sent. Thanks to professional couriers. (By the way I learnt the intriguing ways of sending parcels from him). You know, now it all hurts.. It hurts because although everything was the commonest and the simplest things, although we just met twice and never even held hands, the feeling of a silent love inside me was growing like a cancer. More dangerous than a cancer I feel. The love cancer had spread all over my soul, killing me by making me more vulnerable than ever. One fine morning all the talking stops, all the indifferences starts and he no longer even proved to be a good friend like he promised he would be. He never cared. He left me with no remorse at all I guess. The statement he made, was that fraudulent? That 'Marriage was the biggest debbacle he saw in his future'. What happened to that? Was I in love with the biggest hypocrite one can see alive these days, or was I assuming too much? Was I living in the faintest possibility of hope, passionately clinging onto it thinking that 'If we really needed something in life, we had to reach out and grab it'?! (Courtesy : Into the Wild). Was I being too much? Dwelling in the inescapable ideas of love? Or was it just too real and quite changeable? I have heard that it is difficult for a woman if phsically attached with a man, to come out of a doomed relationship and here I was, inside the melting pot of platonic love, where I knew him, only by the words he spoke, by his random sighs, his smile, or the tone of fear and anger. I knew him only through his voice and it's gleaming intonations. But trust me, I knew them byheart. And when the love grew in me and I became relentless, he seems to have got married to a girl he knew for a long time and settles down. I go for a ride, the ride of my life it seems. Emotionally entangled and lost, I squander. What was that ? A lost love? An unrequited love? Or a love that never even existed. I was never a person to make things complicated. I always liked to keep it simple. Keep it conventional. But people around me, surprisingly wove, mysterious and complex stories, made things difficult, undigestable and I literally got confused in this whirlwind. I still am. More than that, I have become faithless and hopeless. I pass my time reading 'Essays on Love' by Alain De Botton and enjoy every single line written in it. I find solace in the book and the facts the author tries to put across. I believe in all that pretty blindly. I realise, how love could make a person miserable, how it could influence you to not believe in it anymore. How it could become such a silent killer. It would take time to heal I know.. and I also know that time heals all wounds, however deep it is. So, right now, I have died, for I will believe that I have died a willful death just to be born again. I am at the edge of heaven now.

BEFORE & AFTER

I was in the hostel back then. Was studying at DCSMAT (DC School Of Management & Technology). This was my first stint in hostel. I've never had a hostel life, although living away from home wasn't something new. DC is located atop a hill, in the midst of a forest (more or less a forest) at a location that anyone would die for, which is Vagamon, a small hill station in Idukki district. DC was amazing, I mean, for us DC meant - college, hostel life, friends, friendship, love affairs, heart breaks, chicken biriyani, pudding, clubs, assignments, moodle and most importantly CLIMATE !! People would die to come there, the fog and the heavy rains would keep us engaged (romantically or otherwise) all the time! Our guest lecturers or placement trainers would comment - "This is such a beautiful place, how do you guys even study ?!! " WHO DOES??? We were Alices and Alicans(male version of Alice) in wonderland at DC! :) Anyways, having said that It's at DC that I saw many beautiful movies. After a long day, most of us would curl into our warm blankets and watch movies. Since the bed was small I would get uncomfortable lying in the same position for long periods of time watching movies, my spine would get bored of twisting and turning and I'd try a lot of postures until I get to watch the movie comfortably. I had the 1 TB (1 Terabyte hard drive) of Sanjay with me and I felt like a 'Queen who owned a Theatre'. There were so many movies.. so many of them and I felt helpless and confused. Which ones to watch first !! The TB was to remain with me for some days. One day a friend of mine and I were discussing about movies and he suggested 'Before Sunrise' and 'Before Sunset'. He told me those were excellent movies. And suddenly I remembered.. man.. I think I saw the two movies in the hard disk, I kind of remembered the names. I thought of watching them. It was already 1 am, and I found the movies in Sanjay's 1 TB. I started watching 'Before Sunset' first. I didn't know it was the sequel. But I loved it from the very beginning. That's the day when I fell in love with 'PARIS'. I didn't have any particular affinity towards this place. But after this movie. Things changed.I changed. LOL. I had never watched a movie with such an excellent script. The movie is quite simple but so very meaningful. I could relate to Jesse and Celine pretty well! I loved them :) and I totally loved the movie. It remains one of my favorites until this very day. After watching the sequel, at around 2.30 or so I started watching the prequel 'Before Sunsrise'. It was nice, romantic and surreal. But I loved 'Before Sunset' more. It seemed real and perhaps more easy to relate.

The next day onwards I was in love with French language and Paris! Qui Qui !!!! :) Chindu would kill me!

"The Girl With the Dragon Stories"

I am a good story teller I guess.

I will be able to read bed time stories to my 'gonna be kids' with much passion and they'll be able to enjoy it as if they were travelling through the maze in Alice in wonderland. Now, why do I say that ? Well.. here's what triggered me to write this. One of my best friend's calls me up today afternoon while I am at office. We talk. Usually I am restless if I get phone calls from friends while I am at office. I can't talk to them openly as I would want to, that being the main reason. So, mostly I avoid the calls, or text them or pick up the call and tell them that I'd call them later. But today I chose to speak, because it was long time since I spoke to him. He's settled and I am not, so our times don't match. lol :) !

We spoke, he questioned me why I wasn't there in FB anymore. I hate it when friends call me up and asks me in gasps of despair. "Indu !!!! Why am I not able to find you in FB??!! " I say " Well, nothing.. I just deactivated it for the time being. " Friends - "Why so ?!!!! " Me - "ehhh nothing, I got bored." Friends - "Oh come on Indu!! Stop being nuts will ya !!! " come back to FB right now !! "
Me - "Yeah.. will think about it ! :/ :/ " Friends - "Just stop thinking and come back that's what !! " Me - "Yeah sure, I will, soon. " I go completely nuts after this kind of a conversation. Not being in FB is like a big crime these days. People literally live in FB, sadly that's the reason. Oh! we diverted.. lets come back to what I wanted to say.

So, we spoke. And I talked a bit formally with lesser amounts of energy to which he asked me "You seem so low..what happened? " I said " I'm at office, I can't talk with a lot of excitement like I always do. :) " I know the way I speak over the phone. I'm a roaring lion, a walking drama, voice loud and full of gestures.. :) lol ! So when friends call me while I'm at office, I act a little wierd. I am not my normal self. I go calm.. and silent.. which I never am. Anyways, we then talk for a long time.. A lot of stuff.. And then I have nothing to say, I stutter. He's surprised. He says, "Arre, what happened to you yaar?! Normally you have hell lot of stories to say, but this time you're quiet. Why so ?? " And I say smiling " I have my stories. Infact, there's a stock. I just need to get out of the office if I need to tell them to you ! " He says "Oh... I see.. :)" . And I remember, he liked to listen to me always. He spoke less. I talked and talked. When I say, why aren't you talking, He'd say, I like listening to your stories. Aah.. good old times of friendship, I think.

And then suddenly I remember this overnight stay at another best friend's house. We talked till 2 am, I was going to participate in this gala event- 'Pongala' the next day morning to see what it was all about. And before going to sleep by around 2.30 am she said , "So many things.. so many stories you have, I don't feel surprised at any other persons memoirs these days because I have heard much more from you!! "


And then I remember, some one very special listening to my stories attentively and smiling. And when I'd say things which hurt me years back but which made me laugh now, he'd hold my shoulders and say "Awww.. you're my sweet." and gives a knock on my chin fearing I was dying inside when I told those stories. And days later when we sit and talk, he smiles without any reasons and I ask him "Why are you smilng?" And he says.. "Was just thinking about all the stories you told me.. :)"


Period.


Guess I'm a good story teller.