yaşamın kıyısında (The Edge of Heaven)

No, this is not a movie review of one of my favourite director's not so favourite movie of mine. This is a review of my love. Well, can love be actually reviewed? Actually no. Nothing in my list deserves to be reviewed these days. But writing for me is like catharsis, so I write. Two and a half years later, after a strenuous recovery from my life's first and foremost love failure, when I was frantically searching for my favourite director Fatih Akin in orkut people search, little did I know that I was beginning a new journey into a freshly brewed death. Serendipity I thought, while stumbling upon a fellow human being who liked Fatih Akin too. While going through the numerous number of books he read and the staggeringly numerous number of movies he watched, I was instantly moved. The feeling of adoration mixed with a tinge of.. infatuation. I didn't have to think twice to send such a knowledgeable person a friend's request. And add me he did. But we never spoke. Months of silence prevailed. One day, I put a status from one of my favourite movies, Into the Wild. It read like this “Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.” And suddenly I get a message from this person. "Some people feel they don't deserve love because they actually don't deserve love!!" I didn't know what to say, But I guess we spoke about somethings that night. Days passed, we spoke now and then and one night he suddenly asked for my number. I was surprised, that it had happened so soon and did not give him my number but took down his and told him that I would text him but I didn't. And he asked me why I didn't. So I send him a msg. That's it. The movie begins. Everything that happens next is as common as it could ever be. Beautiful and interesting conversations over the phone, beautiful words as text messages, beautiful movie recommendations, beautiful songs being sent to each other, Birthday gifts happily chosen and parcels sent. Thanks to professional couriers. (By the way I learnt the intriguing ways of sending parcels from him). You know, now it all hurts.. It hurts because although everything was the commonest and the simplest things, although we just met twice and never even held hands, the feeling of a silent love inside me was growing like a cancer. More dangerous than a cancer I feel. The love cancer had spread all over my soul, killing me by making me more vulnerable than ever. One fine morning all the talking stops, all the indifferences starts and he no longer even proved to be a good friend like he promised he would be. He never cared. He left me with no remorse at all I guess. The statement he made, was that fraudulent? That 'Marriage was the biggest debbacle he saw in his future'. What happened to that? Was I in love with the biggest hypocrite one can see alive these days, or was I assuming too much? Was I living in the faintest possibility of hope, passionately clinging onto it thinking that 'If we really needed something in life, we had to reach out and grab it'?! (Courtesy : Into the Wild). Was I being too much? Dwelling in the inescapable ideas of love? Or was it just too real and quite changeable? I have heard that it is difficult for a woman if phsically attached with a man, to come out of a doomed relationship and here I was, inside the melting pot of platonic love, where I knew him, only by the words he spoke, by his random sighs, his smile, or the tone of fear and anger. I knew him only through his voice and it's gleaming intonations. But trust me, I knew them byheart. And when the love grew in me and I became relentless, he seems to have got married to a girl he knew for a long time and settles down. I go for a ride, the ride of my life it seems. Emotionally entangled and lost, I squander. What was that ? A lost love? An unrequited love? Or a love that never even existed. I was never a person to make things complicated. I always liked to keep it simple. Keep it conventional. But people around me, surprisingly wove, mysterious and complex stories, made things difficult, undigestable and I literally got confused in this whirlwind. I still am. More than that, I have become faithless and hopeless. I pass my time reading 'Essays on Love' by Alain De Botton and enjoy every single line written in it. I find solace in the book and the facts the author tries to put across. I believe in all that pretty blindly. I realise, how love could make a person miserable, how it could influence you to not believe in it anymore. How it could become such a silent killer. It would take time to heal I know.. and I also know that time heals all wounds, however deep it is. So, right now, I have died, for I will believe that I have died a willful death just to be born again. I am at the edge of heaven now.